Sadblogging like it’s real Xanga hours here

So, not to follow up my last post which was… some lighthearted Star Wars nonsense from over a month ago… with some heavy introspection and navelgazy wallowing but [precisely that coming up.]

I’ve been meaning to get into the theology portion of my reading list for a while and so I started The Silent Cry: Mysticism and Resistance by Dorothee Soelle and got not even 1/10 of the way in before it slapped me in the face with a reminder of the time I realized I was never going to be able to experience the foundational, ties-us-all-together-as-humans-because-of-how-fundamental-and-universal-it-is feeling of being in love, so I should become a nun and maybe be able to feel some kind of religious ecstasy instead, which is both the closest I’ll be able to get to desiring another person but also an elevated version of that. I can’t marry anyone, but hey, maybe I can marry God~ (I, uh, reacted just a little overdramatically when I was made aware as a teen that I was emotionally deficient and permanently socially stunted.)

Soelle writes that compared to a true mystical experience, there are “more common, everyday transcending experiences that allow us to speak about the “mystical germ” or “mystical sensibility.” I begin with the best-known example: what happens in love, when people give themselves wholly and without reserve to another human being, deserves to be called mystical.” She goes on in the same vein about how the feeling of not knowing you were missing some essential part of yourself until you fell in love, etc, is a universal human experience.

It’s meant to make the concept of religious mysticism less incomprehensible and out there, I get the purpose of this comparison; again, it’s one I kind of implicitly figured out myself. But lol imagine my dumb young self thinking, “I can’t muster up an iota of romantic interest in a single person on this here earth; maybe I can just skip that level and go straight to experiencing the divine!” Cool. Extremely cool and normal.

There are Star Wars spoilers here.

I watched this movie whilst sliding deeper and deeper into hell down to the very last line of dialogue and will now proceed to tell on myself thusly:

Star Wars Bad

  1. The new droid. The new droid with PTSD from past trauma, apparently? The new droid voiced by JJ himself? The new droid that reminds me of that Pixar lamp, and then reminds me of how much I hate Pixar because yes, in addition to droids, I hate other things that warm the cockles of people without fractured souls and shriveled hearts? Fuck that droid.
  2. Imagine a Rey who was actually tempted by the dark side. Imagine a Rey whose anger was convincingly an impediment to the Jedi path she’s pursuing. Imagine a Rey who isn’t a vacuous charisma void.
  3. Imagine a Rey who actually does kill Chewie with force lightening on accident and has to grapple with that, JJ you fucking coward.
  4. Oh JJ did Kelly Marie Tran real dirty. Not just “shuffling her off to the side with minimal screentime or meaningful role” dirty. Actually “includes an exchange that clearly conveys to the audience that, don’t worry, this woman who was harassed off social media won’t be bothering you fans any more” dirty.
  5. I get there will be callbacks to the original trilogy. I get this is a sendoff to Carrie Fisher. Cool, fine. Why on earth do we need to bring back Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill after their characters were killed off? Eat up that nostalgia, pisspiggies, you know you love it.
  6. Rey not being descended from some important dynastic bloodline because in fact anyone can randomly have strong force powers and be A Hero is a good choice; shame JJ happened to it. Also the incredibly smug way of bringing this up–weird choice to have Adam Driver turn to the camera, wink, and go, “I only said your parents were nobody.”
  7. I’m including a separate one for “I’m Rey Skywalker.” Must we? Also seeding that by having that alien kid ask specifically for Rey’s last name earlier in the movie? Lazy, clunky, bad writing, also why does that alien understand Space English?? The real question here.
  8. Why was that guy from Lost here? I simply do not like that guy, that’s all.
  9. I am fully accepting of incredibly earnest “we need hope and friendship” themes in Star Wars; it’s foundational to the series and is an entirely fine premise. However. Are you not fighting a war, and need, like, troops and ships and supplies? I feel you are overlooking that part. Though I guess the precarity of the rebellion’s position from the last movie is… just resolved now. Good thing Holdo didn’t die in vain or anything. That’s a Rian Johnson plotline, we’re past that now.
  10. A common takeaway from the reviews I read was that this was a whole lot of running around fighting and fetch-questing and zero solicitation of audience emotion beyond Awe and Nostalgia and, well, technically I felt a whole lot of emotion but also most of those emotions were new, distinct kinds of anger and not the actual “I am connecting with the feelings presented in the movie” variety, yeah, this was frenetic and packed but also deeply lazy.

Star Wars Good

  1. Dark Rey’s pointy teeth hiss, A+
  2. I, a hater of porgs and Baby Yoda alike, did not expect to find myself here but damn if I wasn’t charmed by Babo the tiny mechanic. Also the various horsies and doggos were neat.
  3. The Knight of Ren with the axe. Sick axe, my dude.
  4. Kylo Ren custom-ordering an incredibly aesthetic stand for his Vader mask and also making his officers integrate the red-crack motif into their uniforms is the kind of character detail that I appreciate.
  5. Palpatine sucking Rey’s and Kylo’s life force to not only revive himself but also to give himself a red brocade blouse with matching lining on his Sith Lord sleeves? Love it, I stan, yaas Sheev, etc.
  6. Palpatine’s plan being to get Rey to kill him and become a girlboss in her own right? That’s downright magnanimous of him, willing to impart the wisdom and experience of old age to empower the younger generation. What a guy.
  7. Kylo Ren’s casual blood-smeared-face-paired-withskinny-jeans-and-torn-sweater look at the end was a delight. Love that large rectangular failson.
  8. When they needed to hack C-3PO because he was programmed to have the parental settings on, that was a neat insertion into the fetch-quest.
  9. John Boyega and Oscar Isaac are a delight to watch and play off each other well.
  10. Speaking of Tumblr shipping, that Reylo-pandering final act? Absolutely hilarious, and a moment of levity amidst a whole bunch of dismal anguish. And then Rey Force-vores him. Unfortunate, but I’ll accept crumbs here.

sadblog hours

One of the many, many things causing me to lose my mind after being unemployed for going on 4 months and having my interviews run dry is the fact that any time I find an opening that sounds just right–good environment, work that sounds like just what I want to do, nice people–I start spinning a delusion for myself that it is narratively coherent and justified that I will get this job. Because in a story, if I were struggling for a long time to find a job, kept getting rejections from places that I was desperate for an offer from, was on my final meager scraps of interviews left, after which I would hit the point of being truly unemployable, and then suddenly an opportunity comes up, somewhere that is so in line with what I’m looking for in a job that it seems planned out that, based on past events, it’s all led up to this, it’s so obvious that this is how the story ends–and then I just get rejected again.

It’s a weird kind of getting my hopes up where it’s not exactly borne of optimism or even desperation (though of course, I am very, very desperate.) It’s just… brains like to order things in a way that makes sense, we all grow up on stories, and if this were a story, that’s how it would end. I would absolutely get this job that is my very last shot at a career, just as my interviews and bank account have dried up. It’s truly now or never, and none of that has any bearing on my getting hired, except it sounds like it does!

Update 11/12/19: I didn’t get the job.

Recc Roundup 10/28/19-11/03/19

  • Reading (article): Astrology In the Age of Uncertainty, by Christine Smallwood (The New Yorker, Oct. 21, 2019)
    • Is the current astrology trend a self-indulgent scam for a bunch of wacky narcissistic white millennial ladies? Sure. Is it also part of a broader human need to find order and sense in chaotic and precarious times, especially for groups whose lived experience contradicts the dominant social narrative for the steps you have to follow for a successful, meaningful life? Also sure! And to further the last point, are we all not yearning for some way of understanding ourselves outside of our careers and otherwise demands of a capitalist system.*
    • *…not that astrology is inherently anti-capitalist, far from it, obviously. This tangential to the article but Silvia Federici proposed in Caliban and the Witch that witchcraft and the occult had to be eradicated during the early days of the development of capitalism because such beliefs proposed a worldview at odds/threatening to a capitalist vision of man’s relationship to the natural world. And that various occult/folk magic/pagan beliefs and practices are allowed to exist now because they can nonthreateningly exist within a capitalist society. I… can’t speak to the historical accuracy of this theory, but my ignorant self is into it.
    • Anyway this sad, desperate bitch’s horoscope says that things will go well for my finances around the full moon in a couple weeks so like. Space magic better be real, I could seriously use a break.
  • Listening (podcast): Jailbreak the Sacred, a podcast about, from its description, “the intersection of mainstream religion and alternative spirituality,” so, you know, more of my bullshit. I heard the …author? What’s a podcast author called? interviewed elsewhere on reconciling astrology and Christianity because yes, my pals, I have played myself hard with the above article and this is (even more than usual) my life now.
  • Viewing (depressive spiral): In lieu of a recommendation, I’m just going to let everyone in on my mental state since unemployment. Things I’ve binge-watched while feeling like my life was falling apart (“was” is not the right term as it is very much still happening but like, I watched these shows in the past so):
    • Dance Moms
    • …I didn’t actually watch this because I can’t find it but there is a British Dance Moms (it’s literally just “Dance Mums,” bless them) and I cannot find it but oh boy did I try…
    • Dragon Ball Super
    • Rhythmic gymnastics instagram
    • Succession (I didn’t want to like the cool normie show but it’s good, palz)
    • Nailed It!, but the French version (it’s worse)
    • rewatching Farscape (…actually no, that one is my recc, watch Farscape, it slaps.)

Spooky Jams

These are mostly from my college-era go-to autumnal playlist because truly, what is autumn without a heavy pall of nostalgic longing for happier times gone by?

Guess what it’s more God time 🙏

My top three religion-themed experiences on this trip:

  1. The deeply insufferable old woman sitting next to me on the flight over would not shut the fuck up aside from one blissful chunk of time in which she slept, but at one point she asked me whether I, as an unmarried, unemployed 30-year-old, had thought of becoming a nun, and I had some emotional whiplash as my mind vacillated between “I have a whole talk on the appeal of life in a religious order to Millennial women but this is not the audience for it” and “why yes, it did occur to me around late high school that I needed to consider the nun life when I realized I wasn’t like everyone else because I lacked a fundamental ability to desire or give the kind of affection required in a lasting relationship so I gotta do something to avoid dying alone, what a cool thing for me to be thinking of again right here in this here airplane!” (I eventually told her it had an appeal to me but I didn’t feel any calling from Gotd to do so and therefore it wouldn’t be the right choice. She liked this answer.)
  2. When I went into the big main church in Krakow, it was undergoing repairs and there were some guys up above the altar carefully cleaning and restoring the statues there and that was just a lovely peaceful process to watch, where can I get a job climbing around massive imposing churches and wipe down some old religious art, I ask.
  3. I stopped into another church and someone had left a carefully written out prayer on a slip of paper in one of the pews. I think there was one part that had some personalized ask but it was hard to make out because everyone in Poland learns the same exact handwriting and it’s not always easy to decipher, especially tight and cramped as this was. It felt like an intrusion enough to pick it up and read it so that’s for the best, but it was a nice feeling of “people are coming here with their particular wants and needs and backstories and everyone needs help with something and we’re all here together.” 🤷🏼‍♀️

a theatre review

I went to see a performance of Chicago in Krakow, strongly hoping it was actually translated into Polish instead of just playing subtitles on a screen, and oh boy was I not disappointed. Here’s my listicle review of takeaways:

  1. Broadly, I was really into the effort it must take to translate a whole bunch of songs into a different language so they still sound right and tell the same story. There was a screen with subtitles but it was in English, which had the original lines and lyrics, and like, it was not easy to understand everything that was being sung, but I had a great time catching the changes and how they got a different rhyme with the same meaning, etc.
  2. I have no idea what level of prestige this production was and I truly do not have an ear for music so I’m not gonna weigh in on singing quality but like, the lead actors were delightful to me, a rube, but I’m real mad at the lazy costuming. Everyone was wearing “sexy loosely-’20s-approximation wear” the whole time? Including when the chorus was playing, like, prisoners or reporters or general members of the public. I did appreciate the commitment to laziness in that a good third of the chorus had visible clearly-not-meant-to-be-part-of-the-costume tattoos and did they try to cover them up? Nah.
  3. Also there was zero effort made to do any period hair styling. The women whose hair was left down had it… crimped. Crimped. I hate it.
  4. The audience indulged in a hearty chuckle at a line about how “America may be a bad place but you still love justice!”
  5. Speaking of politics, I… am pretty sure in this version, the Hungarian girl actually killed her husband? Also she was played as like, a wacky idiot instead of a tragic figure who was wronged by the system? I was sensing some anti-Hungarian sentiment here is what I’m saying.
  6. Cell Block Tango a) comes up way earlier in the show than I think it does and b) …super weird to translate “pop” and “squish.” Like. I don’t know how you translate onomatopoeia in a song but. This wasn’t doing it. On top of it, all 6 of them decided to just play different levels of full-on-unhinged for some reason, ok, sure, just start screaming your lines during the talking part.
  7. Another weird one was “Razzle Dazzle;” a song full of nonsense words is yeah also gonna sound wonky. Weirdly, the song they changed the most (as in the fewest lines that were fairly close direct translations) was the end one that Roxie and Velma perform to.
  8. Acting and singing was fine but damn this is a show that requires good dancers and… nope.
  9. There was one hilarious joke they threw in (…ok I’ll admit it here, I have definitely only ever seen the movie, if this is in the original stage version, I’m just gonna accept this mistake, I’m not fact-checking it) where Mary Sunshine was played by a guy and he rips his wig off for a truly rip-roarin’ reveal?? Anyway, this theater is showing Rent next week so I’m sure that’ll be a fun time.
  10. This is not a note on the production but I tried to take one of those awful app scooters to the theater after doing some shopping and almost was late because the garbage app kept confirming my payment and then telling me to get closer to the scooter even though I was standing right on top of it and it would not let me go. I later checked and it did indeed charge me for each of the four times it failed to work, and I am now out $5.52 US American Dollars for this experiment and I’m deeply upset about it. Scooters bad, folks.

Krówki Taste Test

Hey I bought a bunch of krówki and I’m gonna eat them all under the guise of a review! Krówki are Polish caramel fudge, they’re real good if you have absolutely no ceiling on sugar intensity, which I don’t, and they come in standard and then a whole lot of other flavors, including usually cream, vanilla, or chocolate, and I’m skipping past those and going straight for the good stuff.

First, a couple baselines, which are very scientifically selected as plain-flavored krówki that are also not brands I bought any flavored options from!

1. Roshen – A Ukrainian candy company famous for having their president become president of Ukraine after the Maidan protests; I wanted to hate it on political grounds; it was actually really soft and had that good gooey center, a delightful start.
Rating: 7/10

2. Żywiecka – Best wrapper design, retro and cute. Taste is cloying and a bit more plasticky, did not finish as I have a lot of caramel to get through
Rating: 3/10

And now we’re going into flavors, brand consistency be damned:

3. Plum – Definitely got that prune taste going on, very impressive, but the gooey center of this one is very chewy and stretchy once you break past a pleasant crispy fudge exterior. I am not sure if it’s fair to knock points off from that, as it does make it more like biting into a dried prune. The slight sourness from the fruity element pairs well with the sugar overload. Points for creativity.
Rating: 6/10

4. Coconut – Has a similarly chewy tougher center as the above, with bits of dried coconut. It has an easier time of things than plum as the coconut is a more natural pairing to caramel, and I also love coconut a whole lot so this was really coconut’s game to lose here. The coconut is on equal footing with the caramel in terms of flavor intensity, which is what I want out of these, so this one’s a real winner for me.
Rating: 7/10

5. Cinnamon – This one automatically is suspect because part of the wrapper was fused to the candy. Has a faint cinnamon scent. This one doesn’t have a creaminess to it but is hard crunch all the way through, but it crumbles gently between your teeth in a delightful way. The cinnamon comes out strong and I get a reminiscence of French toast, with the caramel and cinnamon coming together in a maple-y way. As with coconut, cinnamon is an easy flavor to create and pair with caramel. Would have liked a little more texture contrast, as the solidly crunchy ones can be grainy, but I don’t not like it.
Rating: 5/10

6. Cranberry – Another fruit flavor from the same brand as the plum one. This one actually has a less gummy texture for the chewy center. It has the same bits of fruit situation going on, as any fruit flavor really should. The cranberry doesn’t come out as distinctly as the plum–not distinct at all, really–thought the texture is more pleasant. A tough call, as one is easier to eat, but one is more satisfying as a flavored krówka. Gotta give it to the plum and rank this one lower.
Rating: 4/10

7. Salted Caramel – OK, that’s a weak flavor choice, it’s already caramel, I know. But damn if I don’t enjoy a salted caramel. And this does not fail to bring the salt. Also, a charming label design. Texturally, this is the most perfect one yet, with no graininess, smooth but not teeth-sticking gooey middle, and a seamless transition from harder exterior to softer center. Not the most creative flavor, but gotta hand Cukiernia Alicja the win at this point. As the angry cow on the wrapper says, “Muuuuuuuusisz je zjeść.” (“You moooooo-st eat them.”)
Rating: 9/10

8. Nut – Same brand as the salted caramel but no scowling cow, just a squirrel with a nut… wait a minute. Are they themed by flavor? Is the salted caramel… a salty cow??? Genius. Anyway, the texture is still good but juuuust a step below salted caramel, as it’s a touch grainier. I guess it evokes nuts more in that sense. The nut flavor is definitely there (hazelnut; the word used for nut here can also specifically be hazelnut, and it’s definitely got something going for it if it’s distinct enough that I can pin it down) but I wanted more. It’s not bad but my expectations were admittedly high.
Rating: 6/10

9. Chocolate Chili – This one is distinct due to the chocolate coating, and I was hoping the inside would be chocolate flavored as well. Also that the chili would give it a strong spicy kick. This wasn’t at all what I expected–it’s not the right texture whatsoever; it’s solidly a chocolate fudge, with a chocolate center. It’s the toughest one of these by far, and the hardest to eat. All would be lost except the chili does come through strongly, basically the only part of this that met my expectations. It’s just kind of exhausting to eat, and also inherently disappointing when it’s such a deviation from the fundamental krówka form.
Rating: 4/10

10. Sesame – Back to Cukiernia Alicja. No sesame-themed wrapper, so scratch that theory from earlier. Texture is the good Alicja texture I have come to expect, and the sesame flavor–which is one I really wanted to happen, as it’s a taste I love–came out in full force. I taste sesame seeds; they’re integrated really well. The sesame taste adds the perfect complexity to tone down the sugar punch. Superb.
Rating: 9/10

11. Apple Cinnamon – Gniewko Kluczewo is apparently my fruit-flavored krówki go-to. This one is on par with plum; it’s creative and distinct, and definitely has a fruit element that cuts through the creamy sugar. Still rather on the chewy teeth-sticking end though.
Rating: 5/10

12. Poppyseed – This is different than regular poppyseed, by the way–in Eastern Europe, this means a concentrated poppyseed paste, which is so, so much better. I can eat it on its own, it’s so much more satisfying than some scattered dry seeds. Anyway, this one has a lovely folksy poppy illustration on the wrapper (one of my favorite flowers, also), distinct poppyseeds and has that poppyseed paste flavor I was craving, but doesn’t hit the same high level of texture I wanted from an Alicja creation; a touch tougher than I hoped.
Rating: 6/10

13. Strawberry-Yogurt Muesli – This was definitely the one that I was the most curious about. For it to score high, it truly needed to have each of these three flavor components. And …it did! With some muesli pieces added in for a nice edge to the texture. The texture is also the best that Gniewko had to offer, at least out of my selection. Outstanding, a great finish. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with sugar but I want to give something a perfect 10, damn it, so here it is!
Rating: 10/10

Alright that’s all, I’m deeply satisfied and this was a good way to spend my night undoubtedly. 👌👌

Nuns, Redux

This is a followup to my millennial nuns post and also this is really just going to be my thing now, huh? So I learned that someone has envisioned a program that is 800% my bullshit and I would sign up for one of these (Socially-Conscious Millennial Seeking Authentic Nun Experience, In Your Area) scenarios in a heartbeat–“Nuns and Nones“* (yes, I know) lets Modern Young Folks of various/no strong religious leanings live with and learn from elderly nuns, who are seen as carrying on a kind of communal, social-justice-oriented lifestyle that we don’t have a lot of examples of left today. The description of the project is mildly insufferable–

The idea was spearheaded by Adam Horowitz, a 32-year-old Jewish man, and the pilot program was guided by Judy Carle, a 79-year-old Catholic Sister of Mercy in the Bay Area. Mr. Horowitz and his friends heard the call after a road trip to visit intentional communities. They were brainstorming ways they could live radical activist lives, lives of total devotion to their causes. They were trying to figure out who was already doing this, and when Mr. Horowitz talked to a minister, it came to him. The answer was nuns.
“These are radical, badass women who have lived lives devoted to social justice,” said Ms. Bradley. “And we can learn from them.”

…but the idea makes sense to me; it really all comes back to people wanting some kind of alternative to this really disconnected, hyperindividualistic life where you’re told you have all these choices and it’s up to you how you shape your life but ultimately, all those choices just railroad you into some flavor of usually precarious, rarely fulfilling existence but hey, sometimes you get to support an ecologically-conscious brand or vote for a candidate who pays lip-service to your identity markers.** And religious orders, especially the stricter ones that have actively, deliberately resisted relaxing tradition and letting modernization in, are, as the above quote shows, one of the only examples that come to mind when you’re thinking of who lives in a communal setting based around a shared commitment to social justice and a competing vision for the world than the one we experience in our day-to-day lives.

And this combines really well with My Favorite Buzzfeed Article, that talked about young women who wanted an out from a world where, even though they don’t have to get married for safety and survival, still don’t feel that empowerment and freedom because they’re still a) going to experience sexism (and also the ways in which marriage is a tool of the state for wealth inequality and various kinds of social control), b) going to be financially dependent on jobs that demand their full life essence in exchange for being able to fire them at any moment and leave them unable to pay rent or see a doctor, and c) not going to have the opportunity to structure their lives in a way that serves whatever calling they find meaningful and rewarding, because that isn’t going to serve what a capitalist society is structured around valuing. Except if the best option they see is a strict, conservative, hierarchical religious route, they’re going to go the reactionary route, you’re not going to see a bunch of cool young nuns doing direct action against the scaffolding of capital, you’re going to get a bunch of cool young nuns tweeting about how abortionists will rot in hell.

The sisters began to see that the millennials wanted a road map for life and ritual, rather than a belief system…

“So many of the millennials would say, ‘I’m looking for rituals. I’m looking for rituals to work in my lesbian community or social justice or I need rituals for this other thing,” Sister Carle said. One young woman wanted ritual so much that she started going to Mass every morning.

Not to just entirely repeat something I’ve already written, but I really strongly relate to the desire for structure and certainty and community in life that you find in organized religion, I know that I feel this way because of how society is structured and who/what it’s meant to benefit and not some kind of religious calling, I want more (and not just religious) options for communal living among people who share an activist vision for social justice in the world and are able to take the time to pursue that vision, I want off this capitalist hellscape and also I’m just so very tired.

*It’s an NYT article link, so here’s a backup.
**And I’m not saying don’t do those, or stop feeling good about doing those kinds of small consumer choices, they’re fine, like, I don’t want to present this as “hello, you fool, you’ve played yourself, you think this is saving the world, well here I am, an Enlightened, to set you straight” but a lot of these things feel like they’re pressure valves for letting some of that frustration and powerlessness out so people don’t absolutely lose it, and nothing more.